Saturday, 15 June 2013

E3 2013 Part 1: Microsoft

For those not in the know, E3 is a time when all the big gaming companies of the world gather in California to show off their new gaming accomplishments. Whether it be a new console or a new revolutionary game, E3 is a big time for gaming and is anticipated by people around the world. Let's get this bweeznass started.

Xbox One: The worst.

I will be going over as many games as I can  from the 5 press conferences. We will start with Microsoft, because, well, they went first.

                                                          METAL GEAR SOLID 5
The conference started out with a bang as they revealed the amazing, long awaited MGS5. New things it showed were an open world style gameplay, a first in the MGS series, parkour style moves, and most amazingly, HORSE STEALTH! You can ride horses and hide from guys AT THE SAME TIME! How hilariously amazing is that? It then shows new characters, most of which I don't care about because I don't know any MGS characters beyond those featured in crossover fighting games. Also you can apparently kill children, which will be fun.

                                           WORLD OF TANKS: XBOX 360 EDITION
After the actually quite amazing MGS5 trailer, Microsoft announced that the Xbox 360 was still getting games, kinda ruining their entire advertising campaign for the Xbox One. The first game they showed was BOOM BANG EXPLOSIONS ROCK MUSIC! That's all I got from this, really. The neat green tank thing at the beginning is cool, but other than that, it's just a lot of white noise. I'm sure the game is fun when you actually play it, but watching it just seems to take the point out of being in a big ol' tank. Another thing, this game is already available for the PC, and there's no extra features for the 360 version.

                                            MAX: THE CURSE OF BROTHERHOOD
 I have no idea what this game is. It reminds me a lot of this old PS1 game that had a similar premise, except with a dog instead of a kid. It also reminds me of Labyrinth, because it follows the exact same plot. I don't know if this is a Kinect game or not, but it seems that way. I can't tell you much about it because there isn't much to say about it, aside from the fact that the guys at the beginning are SO GODDAMN WACKY it hurts.

                                                                    DARK SOULS 2
Dark Souls was a great game. This looks like it's going to be a great game too. I don't have much to say about this game, other than that it's also available on the 360 and PS3, and also that there's some unfitting rock music. That's kind of a theme this year.


                                                         RYSE: SON OF ROME
Jumping back into the unholy realm of the Xbox One, we got this... thing. This game looks hilariously awful. It's a bad God of War rip off that takes everything fun and interesting about God of War out. No creative combos, just quick time events for every enemy. No interesting enemies like the Hydra or Minotaurs, just people. No interesting characters like Kratos or Zeus, just some dickweed who looks like every other character named Marius Titus. Not joking, that is his actual name. It is probably the least interesting thing ever.

                                                            KILLER INSTINCT
WHOA HOLY SHIT WHAT. That was how everyone reacted when this popped up on the big screen. After ten years, Rare's popular fighting series is returning, but with a catch, which I'll get to in a sec. Characters Jago, Sabrewulf, and Glacius all appear in this trailer, and look awesome, the famous "ULTRA COMBOOOOOO" line is in it, and that's pretty much it. It looked cool, until I started reading about it. The game is being made by a team that mostly develops shovelware and movie-licensed games, which isn't a good sign at all. Another problem is that there are two versions of the game, the demo version, which has one character on it, (You have to pay to get the rest) and the retail version, which will have everything. Not a very good thing for a demo.

                                                         SUNSET OVERDRIVE
Finally, an Xbox One exclusive game that not only doesn't have any turn offs, but actually looks FUN! Being made by the geniuses over at Insomniac games, I doubt this will turn out bad at all. This simple teaser trailer has more personality and character than the entire Ryse trailer, and I'm glad they're not going with basic zombies for this one, the yellow sacks and fangly mouths look really cool. If only it wasn't exclusive to the worst console. Also it has a soda nuke in it.

                                                        FORZA MOTORSPORT 5
It's a game about cars. Not a cool game about cars like Mario Kart, but a game about real cars. Look at those cars go fast. Boy they sure can go fast. Look at how sleek they are. Uh huh. Yup. Cars. They're windows open up like the Delorean. Yawn.

                                              MINECRAFT: XBOX ONE EDITION
ONLY THE POWER OF THE XBOX ONE CAN HANDLE SUCH GRAPHICS! There is literally nothing I can say about this. It's Minecraft, a game that's far better on the PC, on a home console. Apparently the world map is bigger, but if you want a big world you could just get the PC version for ten bucks right now instead of waiting a couple months, paying 500 dollars for the Xbox One, and THEN paying ten bucks. Or you could, I dunno, go and explore the real world, for free.

                                       QUANTUM BR - WAIT THIS IS JUST A TV SHOW
This is a TV show. Why is it here. I kinda looks interesting, but it's nothing but a CGI TV show! WHY IS THIS AT E3!

This is a Kinect based, episodic noir murder mystery solving game. A recipe for disaster, if I do say so myself, but since it's being made by Swery65, who made the excellent murder mystery solving game Deadly Premonition, it's probably going to end up ridiculous and fantastic.

                                                              PROJECT SPARK
It's LittleBigPlanet IN 3D!!! It looks cool, and I'd probably get it if it was for any other console besides the Xbox One. Oh wait it is, it's on the PC too. I'm still not gonna get it because my computer sucks and probably wouldn't be able to run it. You can apparently make any kind of game you want in this, but that's exactly like LBP2 soooooooo yeah. You can also make anything into a giant robot, which LBP didn't have.

                                                           CRIMSON DRAGON
Dragons, much like zombies, have become so overused that they've completely uninterested me. The only thing I can really say that's of interested is that this trailer aired without sound during the live conference. That giant flying thing, the fire snake, and the thing that kinda looks like a spider at the end are cool though.

                                     DEAD RISING 3: RISE HARD OR DEAD TRYING
OK, I made that subtitle up. Dead Rising is a series known for being absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculous characters, ridiculous weapons, and ridiculous settings all made a fun enjoyable game which I've never played because seriously screw zombies. This game seeks to remove all that by having the story take itself seriously, and the only silly bits being the weapons. The previous games had scenes like this, and now we're expected to take it seriously? You'll still be able to use weapons like this, so what's the point?

                                                WITCHER 3: THE WILD HUNT
That subtitle wasn't made up by me. All I know about The Witcher series is that there are cool fantasy monsters and that you play as a guy who kills them. Also there may or may not be a horse involved. It looks kinda good, and I want to know what that weird deer headed giant guy is, but this game is available not only for the Xbox One, but the PS4 and PC, so if I did want to get this game, I'd be able to get it for something else. Good job Microsoft.

                                                                 BATTLEFIELD 4
Battlefield is a game about shooting things with guns. When you shoot the things with guns, they fall down and red stuff flies out. Sometimes you shoot things on a boat, sometimes you shoot things in a city, and sometimes you might shoot things in a jungle. Similar to Crimson Dragon, the trailer nearly aired without sound, and the guy presenting looked like he was about to cry.

If someone could tell me what the hell is going on in this trailer, I would be glad. The game has this weird really far camera thing going on, and even the awards at  the beginning are unreadable. You need binoculars to play this game, and that's not a thing you should be doing while playing anything.

                                   UNNAMED HALO GAME BUT IT'S PROBABLY HALO 5
Master Chief is dressed like the character from Journey, wanders through a desert, awakens a robot and then takes his hood off. Halo 5, everybody.

Titanfall is a game about shooting things with guns. When you shoot the things with guns, they fall down and red stuff flies out. Sometimes you shoot things in a wasteland, sometimes you shoot things in a destroyed city, and sometimes you might shoot things in the mountains. Except there's giant robots. Great way to end it guys.

Overall: Microsoft's conference sucked. There were maybe one or two exclusive games that looked good, and most of the good games are available on other systems. Not to mention that there were quite a few technical bugs, and that most of the presenters sounded like they had no idea what they were saying. Honestly the worst one of the bunch this year,but still better than last year's. D-.

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